Thursday, January 29, 2009

Head or Heart

Everyone's heard the saying "Think with your head, not your heart." Or vice versa. Everyone has a different opinion of which is right. Should it be a combination of both? One of my best friends and I were talking about relationships tonight. I'll give you a quick recap of her relationship and our friendship.

She and I met a few years ago through my old college roommate, then we worked together at a newspaper our last semester of college. She's definitely a "Charlotte" in personality type. Very proper and preppy, but with a great wild side and wonderful sense of humor. She and I bond over fashion and a drive for success in our careers. She and her boyfriend began dating 4 years ago when they worked together. He's a lot like my boyfriend in that it takes him forever to say I love you and he's a bit of a commitment phobe. It took her a year to get him to say I love you and another year to move in together. They now live in PA where she got transferred for work. He adores her and moved there to live with her. They're planning on getting engaged this year. Seems like the perfect relationship right? Two successful yuppies in their prime, in love, and ready to start their life together.

Then life happened. The stress of moving so far away from everything and everyone (sound familiar??) got to both of them. Now he's acting like he resents her for having to move, he hates the state and the fact that they're both having a hard time adjusting. Last night they had a huge fight- which, trust me, is a big deal for them- he said that she works so much and seems distant and he doesn't think she loves him. Basically he's acting like a needy insecure 16 yr old girl. My friend doesn't know what to do. She loves him, but she's stressed and tired and doesn't have time to coddle him all the time. So he told her if things stay that way he's going to leave. She was completely blindsided. She told me that she feels like her career and personal success is finally on track and she's really happy and proud of herself but now she feels guilty. Her head is telling her to let him work out his issues and be there for him without sacrificing her career, whether or not he stays. Her heart is telling her to work on her relationship, stop worrying about her career, and be there for the man she loves.

I told her to go with a combination of the two. Why is it so hard for successful women to have a successful relationship too? My boss also had a heart to heart with me about how her marriage is falling apart. How does this happen? She's in the same boat, just 30 years in the future and more successful. Ever since she got promoted her husband has turned into an angry, childish boy. She doesn't want the marriage to end because they have two kids to think about, so now she's started couple's therapy-which he won't go to with her. She doesn't know what to do either.

As I sit on my couch thinking about all of this I start to wonder, "Why is it so hard?" I'm finally in a place in my relationship with Mike where I feel comfortable and happy. I'm not worried about "us" anymore because I'm secure in my job, my life, my friendships, etc. If we end up together, great, if not...well I'm sure I'll find someone else. I don't mean that to sound callous but I don't believe in "the one". I wish I were more romantic, but it's just not realistic.

Which is better? Realistic or romantic? Head or heart?


desperate housewife said...

I think it's ideal when your head and heart are in sync. But that rarely happens, I guess. However, I think usually that any situation where the choice is an either/or is a lose-lose.

Tara Gibson said...

gosh what a tough situation. poor girl. I think they are both going to have to compromise to get thru this, but if they are meant to be together they will be.

ps. you so sounded like carrie bradshaw in this post : )

A Balancing Act in Heels said...

Love is about making sacrifices and going with the most reasonable reality. If he feels like he's being "forced" to move, then he probably doesn't want to make the sacrifice for her. Then again, she should evaluate the situation and try to seperate her personal goals from her relationship...and see for herself which one is more important.