Wedding Day Detox

Well, in my usual OCD manor, I have overstressed myself with trying to mentally plan a wedding, find a new job, find a dog for Clint, etc. all in like two weeks. After spending a wonderful weekend with my family (most of which I had a migraine) I got home, tonight, and went to workout. I forgot how good it feels to just workout and let your mind wander to nothing. I realized that I need to calm down and not overexert myself. I have over a year to plan a very simple wedding, lose 20 lbs, find a house, etc. I just got a nice raise at my job, although if the economy doesnt pick up it wont actually do me any good as half my total pay is commission, but I digress. My point it that I have so much to be thankful for and I need to stop constantly stressing myself out by trying to make it what I think it should be. Does my job irritate me? Of course! But I HAVE A JOB. I have no reason to complain especially in this economy. So my plan is to focus on kicking ass at my job and if a better job comes along, so be it. I'm going to focus on being healthy and stress free and most of all THANKFUL. Hope everyone has a wonderful evening and rememebers that it's the little things in life that make it beautiful.

Romance is not lost!

I have the sweetest fiance ever. Yesterday was my last day at the jewelry store, and my first day at Victoria's Secret. This meant I had to work from 9:30am-10:00pm. Needless to say, I was so exhausted when I got out of work. Clint was supposed to work all night but he left early and said he'd have dinner waiting when I got home. I thought that was sweet but figured we'd have a low-key meal and that was all. When I got home I walked in the door and saw that the whole house was lit with candles...there were roses on the table. (He also got me roses two nights ago when he made us dinner. Twice in three days, how sweet is that??) He had made an amazing meal for us too, with tons my favorite foods and had an Easter basket for me on the table.
The other night I was talking about how much I loved cheese and crackers with hot peppers so he got my two favorite cheeses, plus bri, banana peppers and jalapenos, and two kinds of crackers.

He also made pork tenderloin, potato salad, fruit salad, garlic cheese bread, and chocolate covered strawberries.
Seriously.......what guys do stuff like that anymore? And when I asked what the occasion was, he said "no reason, I just wanted to do this for you." Wow. I feel like the luckiest girl in the world : ) I love you babe!

April Fools!

No...I don't have any good jokes or pranks today. I tried to think of some but it's too cold and snowing. I would rather just sit and catch up on my blogging! I've been so busy with finishing the move, working, and being with my new man. Yes, I know it's pathetic but we're together everyday except when he has his son. I'll get some pics of me and him together and post soon I promise! In related news, I think I'll be working part-time at Victoria's Secret now instead of the jewelry store so we can finally tell everyone we work with! It's been kind of fun keeping it a secret.....but I'm ready for them to know. They been telling us to date for months so they'll be happy that we finally are.

I am so happy it's kind of ridiculous : ) There's none of the drama, none of the anxiety that I usually get the first couple weeks in a relationship. I'm just happy. He and I have worked together for almost 6 months, we've seen every side of each other, we know all of each others stories, we work well together. We make a good team. It just works, it's natural, it's easy... that's only way I can explain it.

I have been in love several times, I've been engaged, I've lived with someone.....but no matter how happy I was, I always second guess everything and constantly analyze. You all know this....you've read my stories where I over analyze men and relationships. This feels different. And yes I know it's only been like a week and a half, but that's how I feel.

life is crazy

I have a story for you ladies......

5 months ago we got a new manager at my part-time job. There was instant chemistry between us and we had a great time joking around at work and having fun. He had a long-distance girlfriend up until 2 weeks ago........

two weeks ago we were closing the store together and started talking about things like how we could never date because he's my boss, etc. Then somehow we ended up kissing in the backroom. We went out to dinner afterward and talked for a couple hours about what we were going to do...which led to more kissing. The next day he broke things off with his girlfriend and came over to make me dinner. Over the next couple of days we've spent almost every moment together talking and learning more about each other. He's been divorced for the past 2 years, and has an almost 4 year old son. He'll be 30 in April, and wants to go to Mexico this summer with me : )

The only way I can describe things is that it feels right. He and I are both pretty big commitment phobes and yet we both feel that this is just right. More to come..................

Game Playing

I was recently talking with a friend of mine about game playing and why we hate it. *Luke* is an internet friend that I met through Myspace. He writes a blog about dating, relationships, etc. and while he and I have some very different views on things we always have interesting debates. The one thing we can agree on is how much we hate fake people and how we wish everyone would just show their cards right away.

I find that so many people are desperate for love that they give off an image of what they think the other person wants to see. As *Luke* so eloquently put it, "If I went on a date wearing a Matthew McConaughey mask the woman I'm with would love the way I look, but it wouldn't be the real me."

The same goes for our personalities, our likes and dislikes. I've always been a very up front person. If someone doesn't like me, oh well. I don't want to ever feel like I have to put on an act to get someone to like me. The only friends and lovers I want are people who will love me for me and not want me to be anything other than what I am.

I am strong, I am independent, I am a closet romantic, I am sarcastic, I am sometimes a bitch, I am a go-getter, I am a hard worker, I am a lover, I am a fighter, I am a daughter, sister, aunt, friend, lover, I am me and that's something no one else can be.

Why is it that people are willing to change who they are to make someone love them? If that's what you're doing, then that person doesn't really love you. They love the you that you are portraying. It's sad, but it happens everyday. I think it's one of the biggest reasons for divorce. Ever heard the saying, "We grew apart. We had different interests than we did when we got married. I fell out of love with him/her." The thing is, that while everyone does change somewhat throughout their life, they don't really change that drastically. Could it be that what's really going on is that they stop putting on their mask everyday and eventually the real them comes out?

Have you ever worn a mask to make someone love you?

Quick Recap

I'm beyond tired but wanted to give you a quick update because I won't have time to blog tomorrow.

Ok it's hard to see because of my crappy camera, but I have a scab on my chin because Paul's whiskers gave me something akin to rug-burn. (a.k.a. I finally got lots of kisses lol) And we're probably going to have dinner tomorrow : ) He also brought up the R word last night. "Relationship" as in.... he said "I want to take this relationship slow so we don't mess it up." I'll admit, that's a little fast for the R word but I guess we have been friends for almost a year now. I can't believe I thought we didn't have chemistry and thought he was a bad kisser. He is awesome! And we have amazing chemistry. Interesting. Also a very random fact, Paul's dad and stepmom have worked for Laura's (Miranda's cousin) parents for like 20 years so she knew Paul! Such a small world! Leave it to me to move to a state where I don't know anyone, then the few people I meet randomly know each other. Also, Laura's friend Amy is from the same hometown I'm from! I haven't met her yet but I'm sure we'll have lots of fun stories to share about the small town we're from. Such a random day.

Miranda and I have been painting all freaking day only to discover that the "trainee" at Wal-Mart mixed the paint wrong so we did 3 coats of paint only to realize they were two different shades of blue. Needless to say, tomorrow I will be turning on the bitch switch and getting some free stuff from Wal-Mart

Breakup Blues and Cute Shoes

In an effort to bring myself out of the breakup slump, and keep myself occupied I spent the day cleaning my house. I woke up to find that all of my conference calls for the day had been rescheduled so I didn't really have any work to do (yay!) which left me with way too much time be depressed.

See not only did we breakup, but my birthday is on Saturday and now I have no one to celebrate with. I'm trying not to have a pity party here but it does kinda suck when your family and friends are scattered across the country and you just lost your boyfriend and you're one year closer to 30, and all alone. Ok, enough whining.

So, as I said, I was cleaning all day. I even dusted!!! Sarah-you would be so proud! I did dishes, scrubbed the tub and toilet, vacuumed, cleaned the couch, cleaned up my mess of work papers, organized my shoes, and even painted the frame of my giant picture which I've been meaning to do forever. Tonight I plan on starting the paintings for Krystyn's little girl's rooms, then I'm going to workout. But first- greasy Chinese food. Yes I know that completely defeats the whole purpose of working out but who cares. I'm depressed and therefore need eggrolls. Hope you all are having a great night!!

Another One Bites The Dust

Relationships are a funny thing. One day you can be feeling great about it and the next it's over. Does something happen to change things, or were things screwed up from the start and you just can't see it?

When someone you love, and who claims to love you, doesn't make you a priority in their life it hurts. When you tell them this and they call you a drama queen it pisses you off. This was the case last night. In the story of Mike and Rachel, chapter 3, things were going fine until this week. I was working on not letting the little things piss me off, and he was trying to be better about not losing his temper. The thing he wasn't working on was letting me into his life. Once again, he let work and playing poker at the casino take precedence over spending time with me. The work part I won't complain about because I work a ton too, but when my boyfriend-whom I haven't seen since last Wednesday-has chance to see me and spend time with me and chooses instead to play in a poker tournament TWICE this week, I get pissed. I tried to address the issue without sounding bitchy and let him know that it hurt that I was back in his life but once again felt like I took last place after everything else. He flipped out as usual and told me I was being a drama queen and that I should know better than to bring it up when he's having a stressful week. I told him that he's not dating a doormat and that when I'm upset about something I'm going to talk to him about it and not just hold it inside. After 3 hours of fighting over and over again we decided it was a mistake to try things again and that it would be best if we simply left each other alone.

I cried, he yelled, then it was over. The funny thing is, last night I slept like a baby for the first time in weeks.

Head or Heart

Everyone's heard the saying "Think with your head, not your heart." Or vice versa. Everyone has a different opinion of which is right. Should it be a combination of both? One of my best friends and I were talking about relationships tonight. I'll give you a quick recap of her relationship and our friendship.

She and I met a few years ago through my old college roommate, then we worked together at a newspaper our last semester of college. She's definitely a "Charlotte" in personality type. Very proper and preppy, but with a great wild side and wonderful sense of humor. She and I bond over fashion and a drive for success in our careers. She and her boyfriend began dating 4 years ago when they worked together. He's a lot like my boyfriend in that it takes him forever to say I love you and he's a bit of a commitment phobe. It took her a year to get him to say I love you and another year to move in together. They now live in PA where she got transferred for work. He adores her and moved there to live with her. They're planning on getting engaged this year. Seems like the perfect relationship right? Two successful yuppies in their prime, in love, and ready to start their life together.

Then life happened. The stress of moving so far away from everything and everyone (sound familiar??) got to both of them. Now he's acting like he resents her for having to move, he hates the state and the fact that they're both having a hard time adjusting. Last night they had a huge fight- which, trust me, is a big deal for them- he said that she works so much and seems distant and he doesn't think she loves him. Basically he's acting like a needy insecure 16 yr old girl. My friend doesn't know what to do. She loves him, but she's stressed and tired and doesn't have time to coddle him all the time. So he told her if things stay that way he's going to leave. She was completely blindsided. She told me that she feels like her career and personal success is finally on track and she's really happy and proud of herself but now she feels guilty. Her head is telling her to let him work out his issues and be there for him without sacrificing her career, whether or not he stays. Her heart is telling her to work on her relationship, stop worrying about her career, and be there for the man she loves.

I told her to go with a combination of the two. Why is it so hard for successful women to have a successful relationship too? My boss also had a heart to heart with me about how her marriage is falling apart. How does this happen? She's in the same boat, just 30 years in the future and more successful. Ever since she got promoted her husband has turned into an angry, childish boy. She doesn't want the marriage to end because they have two kids to think about, so now she's started couple's therapy-which he won't go to with her. She doesn't know what to do either.

As I sit on my couch thinking about all of this I start to wonder, "Why is it so hard?" I'm finally in a place in my relationship with Mike where I feel comfortable and happy. I'm not worried about "us" anymore because I'm secure in my job, my life, my friendships, etc. If we end up together, great, if not...well I'm sure I'll find someone else. I don't mean that to sound callous but I don't believe in "the one". I wish I were more romantic, but it's just not realistic.

Which is better? Realistic or romantic? Head or heart?

relationships and cancer

life is interesting sometimes. lets recap my week. last friday morning, the man i met on eharmony-the one i posted about early this summer-broke up with his girlfriend. he tells me this and all i can think is, finally! we can finally be together again!! then i feel like an asshole because his heart is breaking and he's really hurt right now. over the next couple of days he and i discuss getting back together. the catch is that he still loves her. but he also loves me. we've been in love for two years and here is our chance but he loves her too. i told him to take all the time he needs that i will wait for him and be his friend and love him and pray for him. first he says we should take a few weeks and not talk to let him figure things out. then he keeps calling (yay!) so we decide to just check in with each other once a week to talk. he keeps calling (yay again!) our conversations have gotten very deep and both of us end up tears most of the time. still confused and don't know where this is going.

wednesday afternoon. my doctor calls to tell me that i need a biopsy right away and most likely surgery because she thinks i have cervical cancer. four months ago i had pre-cancerous cells that were removed and i got the all clear. now they're back and growing faster than ever. awesome. so in two days i'll get the biopsy and hopefully know by the end of the week if i have to go under the knife.

i just wish this next month would be over. i have no patience. especially not when it comes to weston. he brings out this side of me that turns me into a sappy romantic girl with her heart on her sleeve. when i think about him i can see him as a husband, as the father of my children, as someone i will sleep next to every night and wake up to every morning. i'm more scared that he won't be with me again than i am that i have cancer. how's that for being screwed up?