New Years Already??

What a whirlwind! Ok not really. The past two weeks have been filled with oversleeping, catching on my favorite tv shows since I don't have cable at home, and overeating. mysteriously I didn't actually gain any weight. Hmmm. I even went to the gym with Semi-Desperate Housewife (aka my older sister) this morning. Yay us. I just can't believe that it's almost 2009! This year has flown by. So many changes have happened in this year. I graduated college, got my first "big girl" job, moved 12 hours away from everyone and everthing I knew, got a new bf, lost a bf, now I kinda have him back.... had a cancer scare, whew! Crazy year. Here's hoping 2009 is full of good things for everyone!

Seven Pounds

I just got back from watching the new movie, Seven Pounds. I, and the 3 other girls with me, cried pretty much the entire time. It was one of the saddest/best movies I have ever seen. All I can say is.....go see it. You won't regret it. Just don't go see it alone because you'll need someone to cry with and talk to on the ride home. (and bring tissues.)

blah

Does anyone else get the winter blues? I do. Especially after having to duct tape my windows shut and then nail blankets around them to keep cold air from blowing in my house. And tomorrow I have 15 hours in the car along staring out at the bleak gray sky with snow falling down. It will be a great time for reflection and self awareness. Yeah ok. I actually meditated and did yoga at midnight on Saturday. I love my gym. It has this lovely little room that you can close yourself off in and turn out the lights and watch these workout videos. And the yoga one was really really good. I was so relaxed and calm afterwards. Maybe I'll do it again today. To get out of my little slump. Oh well. I'll be home soon and have two weeks to relax with the family. Hopefully that does the trick!

OOOOOOOOWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW

Holy crap that hurt!!!!! 4 shots in my whooha which hurt like hell. Then the lovely rubber coated speculum-to keep me from getting electrocuted of course-was too big for my apparently small whooha so that was extremely unpleasant. I also did not get any meds!!! not fair at all. So I took a bunch of IB Profen and curled up on the couch with taco bell and episodes of friends. Awesome day.

Today's the day

Well in two hours I go under the knife. Yeehaw. I am so excited can you tell? I hope I get some good pain meds out of this but I'm sure with my luck they'll tell me to take Tylenol.

Winter Wonderland

Merry Christmas! Well, almost anyway. I'm being festive and spending the day baking Christmas cookies. It's snowing outside and since there's nothing else to do..... Let's hope I don't eat them all myself!

On the man front....I'll update you on my date with Mike. It was snowing that night as well, and it took me almost an hour to get there instead of the usual 15 minutes. By the time I got there we both decided to skip driving in the snow to get to dinner. Instead we opted for ordering in Italian and watching movies. It was all very romantic with the snow coming down cozied up to the dvd player with our dinner. We didn't really talk about anything we just cuddled and kissed a bit. It was nice. It felt familiar and safe. I still don't know what this means for us, but I might go over there tonight and talk about it.

Is it the holidays that makes everyone so nostalgic? It makes us miss old friends and lovers and makes us long for someone to love us. I don't want to jump back into a relationship with someone that I still have feelings for if it's just because we're both lonely. So, with the advice of my sales trainer in my company who is also a cool as hell woman that I adore. I'm going to list the pro's and con's of Mike. And you get to read them! Aren't you lucky : )

PRO's
1. smart
2. driven
3. doesn't act like a typical rich snob that feel entitled to everything
4. loves kids and family
5. funny
6. same interests (i.e. art, music, stand up comedy, good food, hanging out at home)
7. isn't pretentious
8. wants to be successful to provide a good life for his future family
9. wants to adopt and helps kids that don't have anyone to take care of them
10. gives a lot to charity
11. strong
12. man's man (i.e. loves sports, poker, etc.)
13. doesn't drink so that he can be a good influence on his little brother
14. my parents adore him
15. handsome
16. great kisser ; )
17. dresses well
18. has same goals
19. loves animals
20. always willing to help other people
(many more that I could add but I won't bore you)

CON's
1. holds grudges
2. has a temper (which I do as well so I can't really fault him for a flaw that I also have)
3. never had a good female figure in his life to show him what he wants in a woman
4. never had a good marriage example to show him how to make a solid lasting marriage
5. father and brother both drug addicts, step-mom is a gold digger that he detests (although he can't help how his family is so it's not really a fault of his, just something that worries me about his view of family)
6. feels the need to constantly prove himself to his father which means working 90 hours a week (Don't want him to be the kind of guy that neglects his family in order to get ahead in the workplace.)
7. wasn't raised in church and doesn't share all of my beliefs in regards to Christianity, although he does want his kids raised in church which is good but still.....
8. not good at showing his emotions ( Example: We dated for 9 months and I told him I loved him 4 months in, he never said it back so I stopped saying it. Then the night we broke up he told me that he had been in love with me since the day we met in South Beach but he didn't want to say it because he wasn't ready to take it to that level. So he was in love with me for like 6 months and still couldn't say it even when I said it to him.)

Hmmm.....well the pro's outweigh the con's but at the same time they should be view on a weighted scale because some mean more than others. Well, I just hope that I get to see him tonight and figure out what he's thinking about all of this. Hope you are all enjoying your weekend!! Merry Christmas : )

goodbye weston

Dear Weston,

Thanks for telling me that you've chosen to go back to her and that I am cut out of your life. Thanks for being childish and blocking me on myspace-are we still in high school???? Thanks for stringing me along and pretending that you were thinking about our future when really I was just your back-up plan. Most of all, thanks for proving to me that karma is a bitch. I broke your heart and now you broke mine. Good luck with her and and at least be honest with her about me because if you don't you'll be building a relationship based on dishonesty.

Rachel

Funny Stuff For You Moms

Since I am completely in love with Chelsea Handler ( in a completely non-sexual way ) I came across these "webisodes" called "In The Motherhood" It's something Suave and Sprint did as an online tv show thing. Anyways, they're pretty funny and I'm sure you mothers out there would also find it funny. Enjoy!

I rock

Well, after gaining the obligatory 5 Thanksgiving pounds I decided I need a plan! Also because I have a date with none other than my former bf Millionaire on Friday. (I need to stop calling him that but since that is what I referred to him as before...well you know. His name is Mike btw. ) Anyways, in honor of my 4 day crash diet I got up at 6am and went to the gym, worked out and went tanning and am even writing a nice little blog before I run off to my meeting. AND I AM NOT A MORNING PERSON!!! For those of you that know me well you will know that I hate getting up in the morning and usually work out at midnight because I'm more awake then. But I've heard morning workouts give you way more energy during the day and help kickstart your metabolism whereas a midnight workout just keeps you awake all night and more tired the next day.

Back to the date with Mike. So Mike, whom I have not spoken to in 3 months since we broke up called me on Thanksgiving to see if I wanted to have dinner this week and try to be friends. Interesting. I smell a plot to get me back lol. Now many of you (aka all 3 of you) may be wondering why I'm going on a date with Mike when I'm "waiting for Weston". Well I'll tell you! Weston called on Thanksgiving also. To inform me that he will call me after the NEW YEAR and that he wasn't sure now if he wanted to get back together and I shouldn't wait for him. WTF So, when Mike asked me to dinner as friends I felt that it was perfectly acceptable. Which it is.I also picked this awesome restaurant. We're having a late dinner on Friday. Hmm smells like a date, looks like a date, and he called to talk for 45 min last night. I'm thinking Michael has more on his mind than just friends.

On the health front I have decided to get the surgery done. Technically it's called a surgery but it's actually a 15 min procedure done in the doctor's office that only takes a day or so to recover from. Well I should say recover as in be ready to work etc. My poor little cervix will be recovering for 4 weeks though. Anyhoo, hope you all had a great Thanksgiving! Here comes Christmas!

ggaaahhhh

Soooo.... talked to the doctor. It was better news than expected but has left me in a state of frustration. Basically she said the doctor that did my pap was wrong and it wasn't a high grade change it was a low grade change. Which is good news except that I don't know which doctor to trust, the one that says it's bad, or the one who says it's worse. Lovely. Then to make it worse she says "As for doing the LEEP I'm leaving that up to you. If you were in your 30's and had a child already I would say definately do it, but since you don't have any kids lets wait and do another pap in a month."

So what to do? Which doctor do I trust? What's more important, getting rid of the cells before they turn into cancer and risk miscarrying every time I get pregnant, or do I let the cells grow and risk getting cancer? ROCK - ME - HARD PLACE

C-Day

Well, today's the day. Or at least I hope so. Dr. Martini said I would get my results in a week or less. I had the biopsy done on Tuesday so it's either today or tomorrow and I really hope it's today. This is driving me nuts. Plus, Weston said to call as soon as I get the results so that means I'll get to talk to him! (It's only been like 4 or 5 days but it feels longer.) For now, I'm off to my quarterly vendor review meeting, what fun! Two more days until I'm home for Thanksgiving.....thank God!

new shoes!!

I know.....you're jealous!! I got these Chinese Laundry heels on Ebay for $15 plus shipping. I'm in love. It's hard to tell because the flash was so bright, but the material is rattlesnake, in shades of pale green and turquoise. It's true love......... So in honor of these amazing shoes I will be going out tonight in sexy heels even though in the last post I said I wouldn't. They deserve to be worn!

how to survive my first minnesota winter

well, winter is officially here. No snow has stuck to the ground....yet. But the bitter cold that chills to the bone is definitely here. As is the dry skin from having the heat cranked up all day long. I've decided that the only way to survive the winter is to

1. not go out to bars at all because who the f wants to walk 5 blocks from where you park to get to a bar with annoying drunk people all the while trying to look hot in winter boots and a coat-because trust me I am not wearing heels and sexy clothes in this cold!

2. Stop shaving my legs to add warmth.

3. Start blogging regularly-what else am I going to do all day? Work? haha

4. Start watching movies I've never seen and reading books I've never read.

5. Finally break out that "Learn Spanish in 3 Months" cd set I got this spring.

6. Start cooking the gourmet recipes in the 50 cookbooks I have and never use.


Any more suggestions? And NO I do not want to take up knitting or ice fishing. I may live here but I will not be sucked into the traditions!!!

Thank God For Second Chances

Tonight made me realize that I need to stop bitching and whining about my insignificant problems because there are people going through much harder stuff and I have been so blessed in my life. I volunteer at a women's halfway house and tonight one of the girls I'm working with, who just got out of prison, opened up and told me about growing up with a mom in prison and a drug addict dad and how she ended up in prison but she was so happy and proud to tell me that she passed the Social Studies part of the GED test. I've been tutoring her for a few weeks now and it broke my heart to see that big smile on her face. She told me that this Thanksgiving she's thankful that she got the chance to get her GED and that in April her mom gets visitation again and she can go see her in prison. I almost cried right there because I've been whining about a guy and some small health issues and here is this woman who has had a horrible horrible life, sitting in front of me beaming with pride because she got out of prison and got her GED. And she is soooo THANKFUL and HAPPY! I thank God for my life and my family and how I grew up. I felt so small sitting in front of her realizing that I'm supposed to be the one helping her and she's helping me. It just reminds me that God works in mysterious ways and He taught me a really good lesson tonight.

A Picture's Worth A Thousand Words

WTF

Ok....well this day has already started off with a bang! So I got to the doctor's office, Dr. Martini-I love her already because of her name, and she's all "oh don't worry it's nothing blah blah blah." Then I hear "Oops I spoke too soon!" Never words you want to hear come out of your doctor's mouth!!

The first time I had a biopsy done there was one small spot that she was able to completely remove it with the biopsy. This time I had three lesions that she couldn't remove with just the biopsy. She said that before she confirms that it's cancer we have to wait for the biopsy results and then the next step is surgery. I won't know for a week unfortunately. She did give me some lovely cancer brochures to look through. You know, just a little light reading material for me to relax with over a glass of wine. Good times! I called Weston to tell him about the results and he was upset but I told him not to call me, that I would call him when I know more. This week already sucks. Happy Thanksgiving!!!

pink trees and sleeping pills

Ok so I won't bore you with the details of my conversation with Weston.......but basically it turns out that his friends refer to me as the c*** he dated last year, his mom thinks he only loved me when he couldnt have me-and he isnt sure now how he feels. So I told him not to call me anymore until he knows for sure what he wants. I cried so much that I got home at 7pm and took two sleeping pills and crawled into bed. Then I got up, ate taquitos...yum...and am now watching friends. I also just bought a pink artifical 4' christmas tree from Amazon.com-which by the way is my favorite website ever! I think the medicine is starting to kick in though because I'm getting very tired. Tomorrow morning is the biopsy!! aaaahhhhhh I'm sure the rest of this week will be interesting. Maybe I really will just hibernate for the rest of the winter, but on the upside I get to see the fam for Thanksgiving next week.

ggrrrrr

So I think by the end of this week I will quite possibly lose my mind. Weston has just left me a voicemail saying we need to have a serious discussion tonight-and it didn't sound like a positive discussion from his tone. Awesome. And I don't have much work to do today so I'm freaking out about my biopsy tomorrow and about talking to Weston. I may just crawl under the covers and hibernate for winter. Any suggestions on things I can do (besides cleaning and working out) to take my mind off things today? I'm thinking I should write an interesting blog but....what to write about except my ridiculous life???

relationships and cancer

life is interesting sometimes. lets recap my week. last friday morning, the man i met on eharmony-the one i posted about early this summer-broke up with his girlfriend. he tells me this and all i can think is, finally! we can finally be together again!! then i feel like an asshole because his heart is breaking and he's really hurt right now. over the next couple of days he and i discuss getting back together. the catch is that he still loves her. but he also loves me. we've been in love for two years and here is our chance but he loves her too. i told him to take all the time he needs that i will wait for him and be his friend and love him and pray for him. first he says we should take a few weeks and not talk to let him figure things out. then he keeps calling (yay!) so we decide to just check in with each other once a week to talk. he keeps calling (yay again!) our conversations have gotten very deep and both of us end up tears most of the time. still confused and don't know where this is going.

wednesday afternoon. my doctor calls to tell me that i need a biopsy right away and most likely surgery because she thinks i have cervical cancer. four months ago i had pre-cancerous cells that were removed and i got the all clear. now they're back and growing faster than ever. awesome. so in two days i'll get the biopsy and hopefully know by the end of the week if i have to go under the knife.

i just wish this next month would be over. i have no patience. especially not when it comes to weston. he brings out this side of me that turns me into a sappy romantic girl with her heart on her sleeve. when i think about him i can see him as a husband, as the father of my children, as someone i will sleep next to every night and wake up to every morning. i'm more scared that he won't be with me again than i am that i have cancer. how's that for being screwed up?

online dating

well, it's been a long time since I've written. I tend to do that, write for a few days then stop for months on end. So let's recap the last couple of months to get up to speed.

Broke up with Millionaire...it was a good thing.

Went on a few dates since then, including one last night that was very very boring.

Have found a new friend here who is basically me except that she weighs 90 lbs, has platinum blong hair, and fake boobs. But I love her and we hang out all the time which has kept me occupied.

Other than that it's the same old thing, working two jobs, volunteering, rearranging my house once a week (which is quite a feat considering I have a studio apt. there aren't that many combinations to choose from.)

So since Mike and I broke up, to keep you entertained .... all 3 of my readers.....I have jumped back into online dating just for fun lol. Danielle-new friend mentioned above-thinks I'm insane for having met two of my ex boyfriends online. I told her that you can actually meet a lot of nice guys online so I'm proving it to her.

Example 1: (Date last night)
Met him online at mingle2.com about 3 days ago. He's a preschool teacher, which I learned means he works part-time at a daycare, played basketball in highschool, going back to school for middle school education. I meet him at the restaurant and he's very attractive so things are looking up! I'm not a huge fan of kids other than my niece and nephew so the fact that he willingly works with screaming 2-4 years olds boggles my mind. So the date was a yawn although I had some amazing chicken tacos-yum!!! After the date was where I knew things would never work out. I like a man with confidence not one that's needy and clingly. After the date he didn't even make an attempt to go in for the kiss..which was dissapointing seeing as he was so cute. After the date ... he actually text me and said "So, do you like me?" ummm who does that????

So next week I should have more to write. I'm also talking to another guy on that site. Here are his stats: 29, divorced with 2 kids ages 4 and 2, has been divorced almost 2 years and had one gf since then but they broke up early this summer, works in advertising, italian!!!!!!, from NJ, moved here at age 14, loves hockey!!!! So he wants to take me to a hockey game which is sweet bc I love hockey. More updates to come!!

oh what fun

so i think i may dying. let's add to the syptoms...this morning i woke up at 2am to find that my right eye was completely swollen shut and oozing puss, yum i know. so now i'm going to go to the doctor and try not to kill anyone driving with only one eye. ooh maybe i'll get an eye patch!!!

on the flip side, me and the boyfriend made up. shocker. we are slightly ridiculous sometimes but oh well.

sick

well, another lovely day of being sick. not sure what's wrong with me. here are my symptoms:
1. stiff neck
2. sore throat
3. migraines all day long
4. stuffy nose
5. body aches
6. fever
7. vomiting- that's a new one as of an hour ago

fun huh? thankfully there isn't much work to be done today so I'm off the hook.

of course my lovely boyfriend was going to come over and watch movies last night to cheer me up but he fell asleep at 5 because he was at an amusement park all day with the guys and the sun wore him out. did he call to check on me or cancel? nah, he just slept. so when i left him a bitchy voicemail he felt the need to call at 2am and tell me that I'm high maintenance and that if I'm going to flip out everytime I don't get my way no one will ever make me happy. Wow thanks for being so nice babe. really.

meet the parents

so in a sad turn of events, Millionaire's grandma died on Thursday. We were making pizza and goofing around when he got the call. He actually cried which threw me off because he NEVER cries or even comes close. So then he asks if I'll come with him. Of course I said yes and we started looking for the earliest flight out. Then his dad calls and says that his mother is hysterical and is being medicated and his slightly screwed up older brother is coming as well. So then we rethink the whole meet the family thing. We decide I'll stay home because this might be an akward time to introduce me to the family. He put it this way (which I found very sweet) "When you meet my family I want it to be all about you and this weekend it wouldn't be. But I want you to know that it's really important to me that you meet my family soon. " Awwww. And he calls me a couple times a day telling me he misses me. Very cute. (Of course I feel like a selfish ass for finding this romantic seeing as his grandma just died. )

the airport floor

Can I just say that #1 I HATE THE ATLANTA AIRPORT #2 I HATE US AIRWAYS #3 I HATE THE CHARLOTTE AIRPORT

Let me tell you about my lovely little trip. I leave the Minneapolis/St. Paul Airport headed for a layover in Charlotte. The plane takes off-then immediately lands! The passengers all began to look concernced. The pilot then gets of the speakerphone and says (and I quote) "Uuummmm....sorry folks this is kinda embarassing but we seem to have forgotten to put fuel in the plane, it's gonna be a bit of a wait." SERIOUSLY?? How the F do you forget to fuel a freaking plane???? And so began the journey from hell. After 2 hours on the runway waiting for the forgotten fuel we finally took off.

I arrive in Charlotte where I have to RUN at full speed to make my connecting flight only to get there and have them tell us - oops! another delay! This time they didn't even tell us why, I like to think it's because everyone who works at US Airways is completely off their rockers and should not be allowed to fly planes. I finally arrive in Atlanta, 6 HOURS LATE. It then takes them almost 2 hours just to give us our bags which were on the same damn plane we were! What took so long? Was the crew taking a nap before unloading the luggage? It would seem so!

So now I'm in a really really crappy mood. All I want to do is get in my rental, go to the hotel and take a long hot shower and go to bed. But of course life is never that simple. I get to the Hertz place hop in my sweet ride (Nissan Murano-not bad actually except I hated the headrest but that's another story) when I realize this is a car that starts at the push of a button! Neato right? Umm not so much when the freaking car won't start and I don't know why. I don't know how to use these keyless cars why don't they give instructions!!! So feeling more angry and pissed I grab an attendant and inform him the car won't start to which he responds "Uummmm, MAM, you have to push the brake for 3 seconds while you push the button. " All the while looking at me like I'm a pitiful little woman who shouldn't be allowed to drive. Seriously dude how the hell am I supposed to know to push the brake for 3 seconds when no one f-ing tells you that? And don't call me MAM you're like 10 years older than me you loser!!!

And yes, it gets worse..........

The trip was pointless to begin with, training on how to give presentations when I just graduated from college and gave probably 314 presentations in the last 2 years alone. So I was irritated about the waste of time to begin with, then they put us all in the smallest room ever! Picture if you will 1 crazy instructor (with bright red hair that flips on one side and has giant blond chunks on the other) 12 guys who act like they're in middleschool the whole week, and 3 girls (Me, my old roomy, and one other chick) all cramped into a 1ox12 room that has no AC- in Atlanta, GA!!! and it also has the most awful, painful chairs ever invented. We were trapped there for 9 hours a day for 4 days straight. Needless to say, by Thursday afternoon not only was I ready to go home I was also in desperate need of a spinal adjustment.

And so begins the end of the trip from hell. I get to the Atlanta Airport (the busy airport in the world fyi) and thankfully make it through security in only 45 minutes. I get to my gate about an hour early which was fine because I needed dinner anyway, only to see that because of bad weather my plane is delayed a half hour. That's fine, no big deal. So I grab a hotdog (my stomach was already in need of pumping after 4 days of hotel food and catered crap at training so I figured what the hell) Well, a half hour passes and they inform us that the plane will be another 45 minutes late. I'm more than annoyed by now because I just want to go home! As it was I wasn't going to make it home until midnight. Long story short, I didn't end up flying out until 4 hours later. I arrived in Charlotte around 12:30 AM only to find that my flight left without me. I was then informed that Charlotte airport will not reopen until 5 am and I couldn't get a flight until 7:30. So I told them to give me a hotel room voucher and they inform me and the crowd that since it was due to weather they will not give us anything, furthermore we could not sleep at our gate on the "comfy" chairs or we would be arrested for trespassing.

To keep herself from getting killed by the mob, the lady then told us we were more than welcome to sleep on the floor at baggage claim. REALLY????? So me and Ashley-another trainee who ended up on my flight- decided to get nice and drunk. We found the airport bar that was about to close and tried to get some beers and food. We were informed that all they had was Jeager and Salt and Vinegar chips. So that's what we had for dinner. Straight shots of Jeager and Salt and Vinegar chips......I really will need my stomach pumped.

YUM! DINNER!!

After consuming our gourmet spread we went to investigate the sleeping situation. Here is what we found:

To avoid sleeping on top of random strangers we chose a secluded spot on the freezing cold floor such as this one.

Good times. My back is now screaming at me to give it heavy pain killers. So as we lay on the floor shivering in the cold AC I tried to pretend that my laptop was really a pillow. NOT SO MUCH. Finally at 4 am ------ 3 hours after we first laid down------ some random airport worker comes over and is like "Oh hey we have pillows and little blankets why are you sleeping on your laptop? " OH MY GOD!!!!! Let's see maybe because you jackasses didn't GIVE us any blankets or pillows!!!!!! So by that time I was already half awake so I sat in a chair until the airport opened up at 5am. I then slept on the floor at my gate until boarding. This flight was also an hour late and was also overbooked by 7 people. Thankfully two old people volunteered to take a later flight and me and another guy got first class seats!! That was the only highlight of the trip. Of course I slept the entire flight so I didn't really get to enjoyt the first class experience to the fullest. (i.e. getting wasted at 8 am on free bloody mary's)-this is what the guy next to me did. Good times.

Feel free to pity me : )

On the road again

Well I'm getting ready to fly to Atlanta for a week! Even though I'll be training it should still be a good time. My old roomate will be there as well as 10 other trainees. As salespeople it's our duty to drink with each other so I'm sure we will have some good times.

On the man front, Millionaire spent the night last night. My next door neighbor was hitting on me in the laundry room and creeped me out so I was a little scared of sleeping alone (ok not really that much but it sounded good) Anyway, so I told him that and he agreed to come over. It was actually really fun, we just watched movies and talked and laughed til like 3am without fighting at all : ) We both said we're still mad but whatever.

When I get back from the ATL I will tell about all of my adventures there. Until then, have a great week.

i miss him

When I was in junior high I had poster that hung on my wall for years. I'm sure it was thrown away in a fit of redecorating but I loved it. It read:

SOME PEOPLE
Some people come into our livesand leave footprints on our hearts
and we are never ever the same.
Some people come into our lives and quickly go...
Some stay for awhile and embrace our silent dreams.
They help us become aware of the delicate winds of hope...
and we discover within every human spirit there are wings yearning to fly.
They help our hearts to see that the only stairway to the stars is woven with dreams...
and we find ourselves unafraid to reach high.
They celebrate the true essence of who we are...
and have faith in all that we may become.
Some people awaken us to new and deeper realizations...
for we gain insight from the passing whisper of their wisdom
Throughout our lives we are sent precious souls...
meant to share our journey however brief or lasting their stay
they remind us why we are here.
To learn... to teach... to nurture... to love
Some people come into our lives to cast a steady light
upon our path and guide our every step
their shining belief in us helps us to believe in ourselves.
Some people come into our lives to teach us about love...
The love that rests within ourselves.
Let us reach out to others and feel the bliss of giving
for love is far richer in action than it ever is in words.
Some people come into our lives
and they move our souls to sing and make our spirits dance.
They help us to see that everything on earth is part of the incredibility of life...
and that it is always there for us to take of its joy.
Some people come into our lives and leave footprints on our hearts
and we are never ever the same.
~by Flavia Weedn~

The poster didn't include the entire poem but it's the first lines (and the last) that grab me. I feel so blessed to have certain people in my life. My family, my friends, old lovers, and there are the people I have yet to meet. There is one person in particular that I always think of when I read this poem. He loved me and I loved him. We both still love each other in a different way I suppose. I remeber the first time I saw him, standing in the airport so nervous...holding a hot pink rose for me. And I remember standing in his kitchen wrapped in a gray towel, my hair still wet from the shower, smelling that still perfect rose. He was doing something in the kitchen but I remember he looked at me and I just felt so loved in that moment. Why I broke his heart I will never know. I ask myself that question almost every day. We are still close friends, which is strange. I've dated other people and so has he. His current girlfriend is wonderful for him. She's beautiful and seems to have a big heart and I can tell she makes him happy. All I want for him is happiness and I'm glad that he has found it. I'll admit there is a part of me that aches for him from time to time. Days like today when I have nothing to do but relax with a good book, and I can't help but think how nice it would be to look over and see him on the couch next to me with a book of his own, his dog and my cat between us. It could be that in this new city I'm just very lonely and have too much time on my hands to think about the past. But for whatever reason....I miss him today.

I'm ba-ack.....this could be a bad thing

Ok, I recently moved to Minneapolis and have no friends or family. I dumped my bf today and have been consoling myself with some amazing wine and blog-reading. My personal favorite? SLynnRo...amazing...her blog: Random Rantings.

Anyways, I'm not a great write but I do tend to have interesting things to talk about. Ok at least they're interesting to me. Today I am writing about the most recent (aka 2 hours ago) ex boyfriend whom I will refer to as Millionaire....seriously he was. Word to the gold-digging whores out there-get a life! Money so does not buy happiness. Millionaire is the most depressed person ever!! Anyways, we met when I was in search of an apartment for my impending move. He builds condos so I emailed him with questions about his building- um fyi I cannot afford his $1 mil condos. Anyways we hit it off and began an email relationship which moved to IMing and then texting. Ridiculous. He then flew us to South Beach to meet and to celebrate my birthday. I was amazed. Here he was! The man of my dreams! I don't care about money but damn a trip to South Beach for my bday? Amazing. He was great, we had a fantastic time, etc. Sadly, the long distance for the next 4 months before my move was a strain and we broke up but kept in touch. Finally we decided that once I moved we would try things again. Again he was amazing. My parents helped move me in and he took us around the town, dinner, jazz clubs, the works. My parents fell in love...and so did I(ok well not really but you get the point)

Sadly, this behavior did not last. He became the dreaded "Lazy Boyfriend" for those of you not familiar this is the guy who sweeps you off your feet and then once he "has" you. becomes a lazy useless oaf who wants you to do all the work. Yes he works 12 hours a day and is stressed but hello!!! Take a girl on a date for God's sake! I kid you not, I have been here for a month and we never went on one date, and I never met his friends, and he is selfish in bed. After spending the week contemplating dumping him I decided to do it.

Seriously, I could care less if I'm single forever I will NOT settle for anything less than what I want. And why should I??? Read this article and you will understand my hatred for men at the moment. http://www.forbes.com/home/2006/08/23/Marriage-Careers-Divorce_cx_mn_land.html

And men wonder why we want careers instead of families-because we don't want to marry assholes like you!!!

Ok enough bitching for tonight. I'm going to finish off my wine and listen to good music and enjoy my peaceful solitude. (is it weird that I like be alone more than be around other people? perhaps it's because people suck! if you are my friend you are very special indeed-you know who you are a.k.a. you are the only ones who read my blog.)