ggaaahhhh

Soooo.... talked to the doctor. It was better news than expected but has left me in a state of frustration. Basically she said the doctor that did my pap was wrong and it wasn't a high grade change it was a low grade change. Which is good news except that I don't know which doctor to trust, the one that says it's bad, or the one who says it's worse. Lovely. Then to make it worse she says "As for doing the LEEP I'm leaving that up to you. If you were in your 30's and had a child already I would say definately do it, but since you don't have any kids lets wait and do another pap in a month."

So what to do? Which doctor do I trust? What's more important, getting rid of the cells before they turn into cancer and risk miscarrying every time I get pregnant, or do I let the cells grow and risk getting cancer? ROCK - ME - HARD PLACE

C-Day

Well, today's the day. Or at least I hope so. Dr. Martini said I would get my results in a week or less. I had the biopsy done on Tuesday so it's either today or tomorrow and I really hope it's today. This is driving me nuts. Plus, Weston said to call as soon as I get the results so that means I'll get to talk to him! (It's only been like 4 or 5 days but it feels longer.) For now, I'm off to my quarterly vendor review meeting, what fun! Two more days until I'm home for Thanksgiving.....thank God!

new shoes!!

I know.....you're jealous!! I got these Chinese Laundry heels on Ebay for $15 plus shipping. I'm in love. It's hard to tell because the flash was so bright, but the material is rattlesnake, in shades of pale green and turquoise. It's true love......... So in honor of these amazing shoes I will be going out tonight in sexy heels even though in the last post I said I wouldn't. They deserve to be worn!

how to survive my first minnesota winter

well, winter is officially here. No snow has stuck to the ground....yet. But the bitter cold that chills to the bone is definitely here. As is the dry skin from having the heat cranked up all day long. I've decided that the only way to survive the winter is to

1. not go out to bars at all because who the f wants to walk 5 blocks from where you park to get to a bar with annoying drunk people all the while trying to look hot in winter boots and a coat-because trust me I am not wearing heels and sexy clothes in this cold!

2. Stop shaving my legs to add warmth.

3. Start blogging regularly-what else am I going to do all day? Work? haha

4. Start watching movies I've never seen and reading books I've never read.

5. Finally break out that "Learn Spanish in 3 Months" cd set I got this spring.

6. Start cooking the gourmet recipes in the 50 cookbooks I have and never use.


Any more suggestions? And NO I do not want to take up knitting or ice fishing. I may live here but I will not be sucked into the traditions!!!

Thank God For Second Chances

Tonight made me realize that I need to stop bitching and whining about my insignificant problems because there are people going through much harder stuff and I have been so blessed in my life. I volunteer at a women's halfway house and tonight one of the girls I'm working with, who just got out of prison, opened up and told me about growing up with a mom in prison and a drug addict dad and how she ended up in prison but she was so happy and proud to tell me that she passed the Social Studies part of the GED test. I've been tutoring her for a few weeks now and it broke my heart to see that big smile on her face. She told me that this Thanksgiving she's thankful that she got the chance to get her GED and that in April her mom gets visitation again and she can go see her in prison. I almost cried right there because I've been whining about a guy and some small health issues and here is this woman who has had a horrible horrible life, sitting in front of me beaming with pride because she got out of prison and got her GED. And she is soooo THANKFUL and HAPPY! I thank God for my life and my family and how I grew up. I felt so small sitting in front of her realizing that I'm supposed to be the one helping her and she's helping me. It just reminds me that God works in mysterious ways and He taught me a really good lesson tonight.

A Picture's Worth A Thousand Words

WTF

Ok....well this day has already started off with a bang! So I got to the doctor's office, Dr. Martini-I love her already because of her name, and she's all "oh don't worry it's nothing blah blah blah." Then I hear "Oops I spoke too soon!" Never words you want to hear come out of your doctor's mouth!!

The first time I had a biopsy done there was one small spot that she was able to completely remove it with the biopsy. This time I had three lesions that she couldn't remove with just the biopsy. She said that before she confirms that it's cancer we have to wait for the biopsy results and then the next step is surgery. I won't know for a week unfortunately. She did give me some lovely cancer brochures to look through. You know, just a little light reading material for me to relax with over a glass of wine. Good times! I called Weston to tell him about the results and he was upset but I told him not to call me, that I would call him when I know more. This week already sucks. Happy Thanksgiving!!!

pink trees and sleeping pills

Ok so I won't bore you with the details of my conversation with Weston.......but basically it turns out that his friends refer to me as the c*** he dated last year, his mom thinks he only loved me when he couldnt have me-and he isnt sure now how he feels. So I told him not to call me anymore until he knows for sure what he wants. I cried so much that I got home at 7pm and took two sleeping pills and crawled into bed. Then I got up, ate taquitos...yum...and am now watching friends. I also just bought a pink artifical 4' christmas tree from Amazon.com-which by the way is my favorite website ever! I think the medicine is starting to kick in though because I'm getting very tired. Tomorrow morning is the biopsy!! aaaahhhhhh I'm sure the rest of this week will be interesting. Maybe I really will just hibernate for the rest of the winter, but on the upside I get to see the fam for Thanksgiving next week.

ggrrrrr

So I think by the end of this week I will quite possibly lose my mind. Weston has just left me a voicemail saying we need to have a serious discussion tonight-and it didn't sound like a positive discussion from his tone. Awesome. And I don't have much work to do today so I'm freaking out about my biopsy tomorrow and about talking to Weston. I may just crawl under the covers and hibernate for winter. Any suggestions on things I can do (besides cleaning and working out) to take my mind off things today? I'm thinking I should write an interesting blog but....what to write about except my ridiculous life???

relationships and cancer

life is interesting sometimes. lets recap my week. last friday morning, the man i met on eharmony-the one i posted about early this summer-broke up with his girlfriend. he tells me this and all i can think is, finally! we can finally be together again!! then i feel like an asshole because his heart is breaking and he's really hurt right now. over the next couple of days he and i discuss getting back together. the catch is that he still loves her. but he also loves me. we've been in love for two years and here is our chance but he loves her too. i told him to take all the time he needs that i will wait for him and be his friend and love him and pray for him. first he says we should take a few weeks and not talk to let him figure things out. then he keeps calling (yay!) so we decide to just check in with each other once a week to talk. he keeps calling (yay again!) our conversations have gotten very deep and both of us end up tears most of the time. still confused and don't know where this is going.

wednesday afternoon. my doctor calls to tell me that i need a biopsy right away and most likely surgery because she thinks i have cervical cancer. four months ago i had pre-cancerous cells that were removed and i got the all clear. now they're back and growing faster than ever. awesome. so in two days i'll get the biopsy and hopefully know by the end of the week if i have to go under the knife.

i just wish this next month would be over. i have no patience. especially not when it comes to weston. he brings out this side of me that turns me into a sappy romantic girl with her heart on her sleeve. when i think about him i can see him as a husband, as the father of my children, as someone i will sleep next to every night and wake up to every morning. i'm more scared that he won't be with me again than i am that i have cancer. how's that for being screwed up?